Risk Taking

Wow!  What happens when you don't post anything for a really long time?  Things change and then it is hard to figure out even how to get to the place where you can post a blog.  Gee wiz.

So happy Mother's Day to the mothers!  Anika and I went to church, as we usually do on a Sunday morning.  The sermon this morning was not particularly mothery, to tell the truth, but it was, maybe, better than that.  The scripture was the story about Jesus walking on water.  It is interesting that we characterize the story in that way since the point of the story is not that Jesus walked on the water, but rather Peter's role in the event.  And Pastor Matt highlighted some interesting points about this story that resonated with me.  And, you know, made me feel guilty, as I often feel about stuff.  So, risk taking.  Peter took a risk by stepping out of that boat and onto the water.  Jesus told him to come and he came- he stepped out in faith and was willing to do so.  Sometimes taking a risk is a hard thing to do, sometimes not.  I bet a lot of people, based on my proclivity to move from place to place, might think that I am not risk averse.  That might be a double negative, whatevs.  Like Peter, I am not afraid to take the first step out of the boat, this is true.  But the story does not end there.  Peter is out on the water, he is walking- he is walking on water, people!  Then he hears, feels, thinks about the wind blowing and doubt creeps into his mind.  Then he starts to sink.  He calls to Jesus and Jesus pulls him out of the water and says, "Ye of little faith.  Why did you doubt?"  This happens to many people, and is the story of my life.  I am willing to go there, but once I get there it seems all wrong, I get scared, I want the security of the boat or solid ground under my feet.  And, you know, one risk seems to beget another risk.  I step out and I continue to have to take more steps, and it is hard.  So this resonated with me because of something that happened last night.  I had an opportunity to act in a way that characterizes the kind of person I would like to think that I am - a kind, giving person.  A difficulty I have found over the last several years is that sometimes people are not willing to accept kindness and the gifts that are offered to them.  For me this is difficult to handle because I experience it as rejection, and it hurts.  I try to remember that people probably do not mean it that way but that usually does not help.  There is one particular person in my life with whom I have struggled with this issue.  Last night I could have done for this person like this person has done for me by offering a particular kindness, but I was afraid of rejection.  I was afraid that if I offered, my "gift" would be swatted away, so doubt kept me from making the offer.  I felt bad once the opportunity passed last night, and I feel bad about it today.  Hopefully in the future I will remember: 1) that one step isn't enough, five steps might not be enough, I just have to keep moving forward; 2) that someone saying "No" is not a failure on my part; 3) words are easy to say, it is harder to act; 4) I just read this again in Blue Like Jazz- some people have a hard time accepting love, this doesn't mean I should stop loving them. 

As always, I hope to continue to improve as I move forward in life.  I wish everyone else positive progress as well!